“Why go into archaeology if you’re afraid of dirt?” – An archaeologist with OCD’s view
- DATE WRITTEN:
- READING TIME: 6 minutes
- AUTHORS: Caitlin Bowels (Post-Excavation Archaeologist)
My name’s Caitlin, and I’m a Post-Excavation Archaeologist – I clean, sort, and prepare finds for analysis and museum deposition. I also have contamination OCD.
You might ask “why go into archaeology if you’re afraid of dirt?” – it’s not quite that simple. Thinking OCD was just about being neat and tidy stopped me from seeking treatment to start with as I thought – “I can’t have OCD, my room’s so messy”.
OCD can take many forms, as the obsessions (intrusive thoughts) attack the things you value and convince you that you’re in danger (of contamination or harm) or that you are a danger – you might worry that you hit someone with your car without realising, or worry that you’ll act dangerously with a knife, even though these thoughts are unwanted and don’t reflect what you believe or how you actually behave.
Most people will have intrusive thoughts at some point in their life, but people without OCD will be able to shrug them off and ignore them. People with OCD can’t do this so easily, and the thoughts can be overwhelming and incredibly convincing. The thoughts are ‘egodystonic’ – it’s like a bully trying to get a reaction out of you, telling you that you will do, or have already done, something that goes against your values and/or the law. The disorder can latch on to almost anything, and this can change over time, but common themes in OCD include:
- Worrying about doing harm to yourself or others
- Worrying about going against your religious beliefs
- Worrying about committing crimes
- Worrying about your sexual orientation and relationships
- Worrying about your own identity, or that you’re a bad person
- Fears of germs and illness
Compulsions – behaviours like checking or handwashing or counting – are what ‘neutralises’ the thoughts and makes you feel safe again. These can be physical and visible – touching objects, handwashing, checking. They can also be exclusively mental, like rumination (thinking about something over and over) or ‘correcting’ the thoughts by trying to replace the thought or neutralise it with a phrase you repeat in your head. Being unable to complete compulsions (perhaps for fear of judgement) can cause distress.
Encountering stereotypes and misinformation about OCD can also be quite distressing – hearing people say ‘I’m so OCD’ or reducing it to an insult or a choice (‘don’t be too OCD about X’) minimises the experiences of people like me. Even though a lot of my themes and compulsions are similar to the stereotype, a lot of people don’t understand the all-consuming fear OCD creates, and they can assume that I’m being difficult or controlling and can actually just stop whenever I want.
In reality, I hate how my OCD affects me physically and mentally, and the toll it has on my friends and family. I often feel like I’m not in control of my own mind or thoughts, and wouldn’t wish it on anybody. Misinformation and shame often stop people from seeking help or support, and people with more taboo themes are made to believe that they’re criminals or awful people as the presence of their intrusive thoughts is taken to mean that they agree with and believe in them.
For me, OCD manifests as washing my hands more than I need to simply because I don’t feel like they’re clean enough, and checking food over and over before I eat it to make sure it’s ‘safe’. This has meant painful, cracked hands, avoiding certain foods, and wasting perfectly good food as I convinced myself it was spoilt or dangerous and could not bring myself to eat it.
I also find driving quite stressful as I’m aware of how dangerous it can be, and worry about not seeing a hazard or a pedestrian in time. I can also worry that I’ve hit someone without knowing or remembering – there’s no evidence or logic to these thoughts, but the fear can be overwhelming. What makes it a disorder is how frequently the obsessive thoughts come up – often repeatedly, despite any reassurance or evidence that they’re not true – and how I react to them with compulsive behaviours. There have been times when OCD has made me late to things, or stopped me from sleeping. It’s stolen my hobbies from me in the past by convincing me that something bad would happen if I did the things I loved, and swallowed up a lot of time and resources (soap, food, single use plastics).
This meant that I struggled in field archaeology – having both OCD and autism meant I struggled with unpredictable schedules and conditions, portaloos, limited time and water for washing my hands, and bringing a lunch that my brain felt was ‘safe’ while still being able to fuel the digging and lifting I needed to do. I could cope with some of it using hand sanitisers, antibacterial wipes and the like, but it was taking a toll on me, and people around me were starting to notice and question the compulsions (not maliciously, but the shame of being ‘caught’ and seen as ‘weird’ was still there).
Eventually I made the decision to move into post-excavation work, which suits me much better. The environment there is much more consistent and predictable, and I don’t have to worry about using up a cabin’s whole tank of clean water. I can still work with dirt and mud, but can wash my hands whenever I need to.
I’ve found my place there, and what helps me is having a line manager and team that’s willing to be patient with me and understand how my OCD affects me, without making fun of me or considering me to be ‘less than’. This can mean switching jobs, especially if my hands are cracked and bleeding, but can also mean an extra moment or two to bring my distress under control.
Being able to talk to people that know what it’s like is also really helpful, whether that’s online or in person. I’ve also worked with a therapist to carry out ERP – Exposure and Response Prevention therapy – which involves allowing the obsession to happen without completing the compulsion you feel compelled to do. This is done in little steps, which for me involved spending increasing amounts of time in situations that triggered my OCD or reducing repetitions of handwashing and checking. Eventually, the fear of the obsession subsides, and this teaches you that the compulsions aren’t necessary – nothing bad will happen.
Having OCD means being resilient and holding on to your values despite the bully. Feeling supported by my company means I have the time and space to work through my OCD and focus on what I do best – preparing finds, identifying and talking about human bone and advocating for neurodiversity.
